After losing 15 years worth of content on my Flickr page, due to an unforgivable act of spite, I also feel very little motivation to blog or keep up with this blog. I will keep paying for it, after all, it's all I have left of the 12 years of blogging images since my Flickr was destroyed. But I likely will not be updating. All images will just be on Flickr, all new ones, that is. I will become a Flickr blogger only.
So I will use this blog for what it's purpose is, to share my images and my thoughts.
The last month has been a rocky one and I suspect, no ... I am confident that things will worsen before they get better. I cannot elaborate too much due to critical reasons, but I will state that a former friend of mine and myself believe neither of us are wrong in our actions of late. I am single in both worlds, iRL and iSL and there I can do what I want, talk to whomever I want, and see whomever I want. With these freedoms, I still choose not to partake in all activities that single and unattached people do. I am sure you have an idea what I mean when I say that. I choose this lifestyle because somethings that are important to some are not important to me. I sometimes question whether I am A Sexual. I do not yearn for relations, I do not need it, and I hardly want it. But then other times, I feel the desire to, even if I don't have a suitable partner to engage in such things with. The desire is fleeting and never long-term. However, I am a fun and funny and friendly person and people are drawn to me for whatever reason it is that they are and I am always open to new friendships and continuing old ones. However, people tend to make it pretty apparent that they may want a different type of friendship than what I am willing to provide and that's when things become complicated. Being the person I am who hates rejection, I also hate to reject people. So I move cautiously and slowly until the time is right, in hopes to lessen the blow of rejection. People's feelings matter to me. It has to be on my timeline, and no one else's. And because I move to my own time and not someone else's, this is the beginning of the end of a friendship. With things out in the open, a discussion could have taken place. That's the healthy way. However, my friend chose war. Was it a healthy friendship? By no means. The toxicity was strong, yet we allowed it because we cared. The constant toxicity ... I let it happen. I let myself be last. I let myself spend money, I let myself be lonely, I let myself tolerate things no one sane woman would tolerate. Because I cared. God, if I could, I would write a list. But I cannot, I must remain vague and cryptic so this post doesn't blow up in my face.
I wish to be strong, and I wish to see this whole fiasco, this loss and the grief, I wish to see it to the end so I can resume my life of solitude. I've been single since 2012 and I have managed to get by on my own and I need to relearn how to do that. The weakness in me misses having the companionship this former friend could offer me part time. The weakness in me is willing to accept his part-time companionship. Part of me misses having a lap to sit on, or a warm body to cuddle with, or someone to watch movies with. But the logical part knows that all of that stuff cannot be worth the toxicity that the pair of us cause when together, knows that it's only part time, and I'll remain in last place, and competing with others. My former friend will be satisfied because he gets what he wants, but I will be left unfilled and I won't get what I want which is to simply receive back what I give. No matter how much I want to run back, I need to remind myself that they're friendship has too many strings attached.
But even with that being fact, the feelings and love haven't died. They will. But, at present have not. Time, my friend and my enemy. Time will see me to the end of this, regardless the outcome, regardless of the war we now fight, regardless of the battery and the bruising and the shells that may remain. Time will see it though and I will regain my self respect and my dignity and I hope they are able to be happy with the people they put first. I wish them all the best.
Thanks Blogger for hosting my images for so many years.
Thanks to anyone who has read this blog in the last decade.
You can find me on Flickr until I move on from there.
Take care for now.